November 21, 2011 by Vinnie Leduc
My fiancée isn’t a major twihard or anything. The first Twilight movie “tickled” her heart, something she hadn’t felt from a movie since Jack turned into an Arctic popsicle after sketching Rose’s boobies. The love story prompted her to watch the next two Edward vs. Jacob films, but she’s still only read the first book. However, about a week before the The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 opened, she warned me that I would be taking her to see it. Not to be a little Jacobitch or anything, but I decided that this would be a great opportunity to take a fat dump on the franchise… just in time for the yearly epic one the morning after Thanksgiving, so it’s kinda appropriate, right?
I tried to be fair and to have an open mind before I watched Breaking Dawn, so I spent parts of last week grinding through Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse in between sessions of Modern Warfare 3. My quick thoughts on them: Twilight and New Moon were not good, but Eclipse was surprisingly not bad and pretty funny at times. I know… admitting that means a corner of my guy card has been cut off.
For the true twihards out there, I’ve put aside a bunch of BS that’s consistently bothered me throughout the series. I’ll ignore the fact that these unnaturally pale, fecal/Terminator-irised geishas have such a distinct appearance that even kids on the short bus would notice these vampires “blending in” with the human population. I’ll look past the scientific fact that hiding underneath perpetually overcast weather in the Northwest doesn’t explain how the Cullens avoid UV rays that permeate clouds (maybe they wear SPF 5000000?). I’ll try not to barf whenever I remember that Edward is a century-old being who’s in love with a barely legal teen. I’ll let it slide that the werewolves’ shorts magically disappear or integrate into their fur when they morph from their human forms. I’ll try to forget that Bella’s dad is one of the most oblivious cops in entertainment; Chief Wiggum and Paul Blart crack more cases than Charlie Swan.
By the way, massive spoilers coming up. Probably won’t matter much cuz apparently like half of the world has already seen Breaking Dawn. Okay, so with all of that out of the way, let’s begin. Jake opens a letter from the mail. “You’re cordially invited to…” an interspecies wedding! As he storms out into the rain, Jake unnecessarily rips his shirt off before transforming into– OMG KILL ME ALREADY.
What follows is mostly torture. If you thought the first three Twilight movies were slow, wait until you’re mistreated to a full hour of wedding and honeymoon scenes, the majority of which are completely useless and could’ve been condensed into five minutes. Ten minutes max. If I wanted to subject myself to a nice looking, but ultimately pointless, scripted wedding, I could’ve watched Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ pre-divorce on E!. Sure, Kim’s reality show event was actually four hours whereas Breaking Dawn only felt like four hours, but at least Kim’s Fairytale Wedding included funny parts and some interesting drama.
Then came the sexy time! Finally, after three and a half movies of not doing the dirty dance. Wasn’t funny, and wasn’t interesting. Just stupid, like most of Breaking Dawn. Technically, it’s the second hottest vampire sex I’ve ever seen, behind Kate Beckinsale’s bonerific Underworld: Evolution scene… but that’s because I can’t think of any other movies with at least one bloodsucker riding the baloney pony or playing hide the meat. I don’t watch True Blood, and I didn’t watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Halfway through the movie, Breaking Dawn does get a bit more interesting during Bella and Edward’s honeymoon when a real problem arises. Aw, but too bad the trailer already spoiled this part. They’ve created a monster! It’s growing quickly, at the expense of Bella’s health. My fiancée asked, “Why don’t they just kill it?” That’s a really good question! Because we might get to see a Predalien-like chestburster give another meaning to ripping Bella apart? I really hoped to see something like that, but nope. Just a blood-splattery birth and a bunch of whiny Jacob scenes.
Speaking of which, the wolf CGI is an improvement over the awful FX featured in the previous movies, but you won’t be appreciating it because the werewolves still look too fake overall, and you definitely won’t be thinking about it when Jake’s tribe has an unintentionally hilarious telepathic meeting/dispute in wolf form. I tried to stifle my laughs and scoffs throughout Breaking Dawn in respect for the girls in the theater, but I couldn’t stop an LOL at a part where one of the wolves said something like Jacob didn’t “imprint on her.”
Like in every Twilight, there’s a final battle, but Breaking Dawn‘s is weak. At least the ending is decent, and the mid-credits stinger is better. Or maybe I was just happy it was over because although Breaking Dawn is actually the shortest of the series so far in running time, it felt the longest. That’s the consequence of milking twihards by splitting the finale into two, à la Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Anybody with a vagina may be delighted by the fantasy of being fought over for by two hunky rivals, but Breaking Dawn is the worst Twilight yet.
I wish I had watched dancing and singing penguins instead of what was just a step above the worst movies of the year: Creature, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, The Smurfs, The Three Musketeers, The Roommate, Shark Night 3D, and Arthur. The latest Twilight entry isn’t even the best vampire movie of the year; that honor goes to the surprisingly good Fright Night remake. So unless you’re among the most hardcore of the twihards and/or you like to watch senseless pretty shots of an overlong wedding and honeymoon contrasted by an unsatisfyingly bloody birth, go hide if your significant other asks you to watch Breaking Dawn. Oh, and my fiancée liked it. Of course she did. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 gets 1.5 out of 5 stars or D+ or Bad.